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________________________________________________________ WORDS FROM THE HEART June 2, 2003  I received this
in an e-email the other day thought it was good. Hope you find it
interesting.
Did God create Evil? This will make you think for a while. At a certain college,
there was a professor with a reputation for being tough on Christians. At the first class
every semester, he asked if anyone was a Christian and proceeded to degrade them and to
mock their statement of faith. May 20, 2003 It would appear the season is turning on us once again. My body is once again under a massive attack. Yes, the diagnosed Myelofibrosis has been declared no longer in my body, however, the Host vs. Graft disease continues to plague me even more. There are also other conditions that are not fully understood and are causing a tremendous strain and fatigue on me. The obvious 5 out of 6 match with donor also playing a large factor against us. I can only ponder of all I / We (Emmy and Young, Oh! so young Dave) have been through. My diagnosis (Husband and Father) of terminal Myelofibrosis Oct.3rd, 2000 and told I will not see Christmas A blood family whom found it unbearable to comprehend, so hit denial hard and abundant me Having people I trusted, take advantage and steal significant amounts of money from my family and I, while I was too sick to look after the situation. To me, watching a son of only 7 yrs. old watch his Daddy deteriorate to the point where he is not able to do and show him all the things a father that loves his son wants to do. Take him to pro and amateur hockey games (as his Daddy so loved the game) Baseball, Basketball games. To play ball hockey, football, catch, ride a bike with him and simply watch him grow up and be there for him when he needs his Dad. Most of all, just watch him be a boy, instead he has had to become a "man" yes a "man" far too early and it pains me greatly…….why did he have to miss out on being a child at 7, 8, 9, etc.? Watching my soul mate Emmy work so hard everyday to make each day the very best it could be. As I much of the time walked around a time bomb leaving a path of destruction behind me. Not because I meant to, I simply didn’t have the capacity to know what I was doing. Emmy all the time so patient, ever understanding and always loving. What many don’t know is I need constant attention and Emmy gives so willingly and with so much love that it enables me some form of dignity, that few have picked up on – most just think I am doing very well. No, it’s Emmy. Being extorted in the last days before the Bone marrow/Stem Cell transplant procedure was to go ahead, for significant money and being cross examined about totally irrelevant subjects. If I didn’t answer to the two siblings, liking then the transplant would be cancelled. Out of the 3 other patients that I got to know down at Princess Margaret Hospital with diagnosis less lethal then my own, 2 have already died. Seeing myself waste away to the point where I cannot use fine motor skills, or do multitasking as would be required when driving an automobile or operate other motorized machines. Watching my ability to think and process information slow to a snails pace and simply become a non event. Currently I have only about 3 hours a day of what I can call good time. The remainder of the day is left to resting and living in a world that is surreal. It appears that everyone is in a dream state to me and time is slowing and things are becoming more fluid. I have no idea what that means but that is the state I live in. I feel more and more like an outsider everyday and less part of the world at large. There are many times where I promise young Dave we will do a particular event together but when the time comes, I just don’t have the get up and go. He takes it all in stride and tells me that it is OK and simply gives me a hug and tells me everything will be OK. He is just too young to be so mature. He has taught me so much about "joy". I must write about his "joy" talks he has given me and how we must not let anyone or anything take our "joy" for it is our right to have "joy" at all times. No one or thing Can take our "joy" he tells me if we don’t let them. What a wonderful boy. Of course that is only one side of the page, the other is the good that has come out of all this…….and make no mistake there is good! I took responsibility for my past relationships and approach everyone that I felt I had ever wrong and made amends. I called it emptying the "black bag" I carried; I believe we all carry a black bag over our shoulder. It is that stuff from the past that we carry around for years and it slowly eats at us and eats at us sometimes to unbearable and unhealthily levels. For some reason we refuse to do anything about it and it simply pushes us further and further away from where we need to be and what we need to be doing to have complete and full healthy lives on all levels. I found there was only one way to empty this "black bag" and that was to approach all the people I could remember and take responsibility for the misgivings. In a word apologize……..Wow, what a wonderful thing to have done. Sure at first I was in foreign waters and was not sure what would be their reaction. Would it turn out worse or better. I spoke to others about doing this and heard many say they would like to do the same, but just couldn’t bring themselves to follow through. They did, however, encourage me and I took the step. What I found was everyone (except for 3 family members) were totally in awe of my willingness to do this work. In fact there were many that took the opportunity to apologize to me. WoW! This was totally unexpected. It changed our relationship and lives for the better. The other great part of this was as I did more and more of this and my "black bag" emptied, I felt lighter and invigorated. I really got into it and the more I did, the more people that I had not seen in years were put into my life again and I had the opportunity to empty more of the "black bag". I had friends and associates that I had not seen or talked with for over 20 years (half my life) placed back in my life so this "black bag" could be emptied and empty it I would do. I even found that the few that didn’t understand what I was doing the first time I spoke to them, I would re-visit. I did and in a couple of cases multiple times. Yeah a few never did get it, but my "black bag" is empty now. I have committed to myself that I will not allow this to happen again. So far over a year later, I have not allowed anything into that "black bag" and continue to work to ensure it doesn’t. (If situations from the past are remembered and need to be handled I jump on them right away, it has been months since any have come to light – I am free!). I would like to encourage all to give this a try, you will be rewarded with great gifts; not just the freedom you feel. There is just so much you will gain, it is worth the first few steps and yes expect that it will feel uncomfortable at first, you may even feel fear, but trust and do it anyways! I know you will be given an entire new outlook. Look, I think you can see the feel is again returned to the positive, Huraah! I am going to stop here and follow-up with a continuation of this in a couple of days. There is so much good that has come along I don’t want to have it missed. I am simply fatigued and need to take some down time in order to continue. The DR’s remain on a heightened state of alert with my condition as things are happening that simply are not understood. They have decided to reduce my anti-rejection drug because they have said there are times when it can negatively effect blood production. Since my blood production continues to dropp and I did finally need a transfusion on Tues. the 20th. . I believe I am also fighting a cold as Young Dave has been under the weather and on medication for a week now. This can also have an effect. We will see. Emmy, Dave and I still remain confident that I will have a complete and total recovery, despite that potholes along the way. The road has been and will contiue to challenge us, but we will survive. We look forwad to many many years of Health and Happiness with each other.
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